The Gathering Shadows, Chapter 1, Part 1.
Premise: A young man is thrust without warning into the dark world of Shadowrun.
After a five-year coma, Tzalin Rhom finally awoke. He slowly became aware of the sensation of existing and his mind stirred from its healing slumber. Only
when his eyes opened, his first sight was an aged, more mature version of his own face. He recognized his own wispy blond hair and gaunt cheeks, and had his eyelids been open he would have known the bright green eyes.
His disembodied consciousness inhabited the hospital room where his body laid resting, and he could see it through the mechanical eyes of the medical monitoring equipment. A sense of fear rushed over him as he struggled to comprehend what was happening. Am I dead? Considering the alien sensations and environment, Tzalin thought the prospect likely. Seconds passed by and nothing changed. Data hummed busily around his mind, traveling at virtual speeds. If this was death, then death is boring.
A claustrophobic sense of being trapped took hold of Tzalin and he struggled in his digital prison. He thrashed about in search for a way to end what he began to think could only be a bizarre nightmare. The futility of his erratic spasms became clear as he felt mental exhaustion slow his efforts, his situation no better off for the outburst. With forced self-control he calmed the chaos in his mind and took a closer look at his surroundings.
He could see each item, or rather the software suite that ran each item, in the medical equipment node. When he accessed those drivers he could feel the location of his awareness physically shift. The heart beat monitor spread him out across the sensor pads attached to the chest of his real body. The breathing regulator shunted him down into the air valve at the end of the tube leading to the oxygen mask over his bodys mouth. The medicine release controls bottled him up in the IV drip hooked up to his blood stream.
Much less frantic than before, Tzalin practiced navigating this new world. Patience and perseverance paid off as he became more accustomed to it, capable of accessing multiple nodes at once and generally thinking and reacting faster than he ever had before. There was a certain degree of thrill to traveling about the highways of code and, had the circumstances been different, Tzalin felt he would have enjoyed it. At the moment the thought of escape pressed heavily on his mind though, and he pushed aside the distractions so he could focus. He turned his attention to the central data pipeline that bundled all of the individual byte streams into one channel. The information flow cut off sharply at a point where the devices virtual realm faded to black. Tzalin eyed this threshold suspiciously as he drew near to it. A metal ring around the cutoff seemed to radiate energy and every bit of data that passed through it glowed momentarily before shooting away into the darkness beyond. It looked dangerous, but Tzalin managed to convince himself the risk was worth it; any result was better than the frustration of not knowing what waited for him on the other side.
The step forward through the ring could be likened to walking off a cliff. The comforting floor and walls he had grown accustomed to disappeared as he passed through the wireless router. Tzalins mind transferred out of the confines of the medical equipment and into the full-blown, omnipresent Matrix, and a whole new world exploded into existence around him. This mode of being was unlike anything Tzalin had ever known. The rush of information blinded and confused him; he couldnt make sense of anything as the sheer density of data overrode his mind.
But in his despair something, or someone, reached out to help him. It felt like a friendly pair of hands lifting his chin and guiding his own hands. Then they both cut a swath through the data together. It showed him how to order the swirling chaos and understand the virtual environment. Encouraged by this support, Tzalin saw the flood of information as shifting with opportunities rather than an overwhelming jumble. He turned to thank his anonymous benefactor but its reassuring presence had already faded away. He began to wonder if it had really been there in the first place or if had merely been his minds way of coping.
Either way, Tzalin adapted to this new way of experiencing the world over the course of the day. He reached out and traveled the nodes in the hospital until it became second nature. Every node, every device he could find offered an uncharted realm to investigate. The immense curiosity that led him to examine and explore the hospitals network, however, meant that he was certain to run into trouble eventually, and his naiveté certainly helped speed up the process. The financial systems of the hospital had anti-hacker security in place and, without meaning to, Tzalin tripped several alarms. He turned to see the icon of an Intrusion-Countermeasure response darting towards him. It resembled a heavily armored police officer wearing a kevlar vest and a helmet that kept its face hidden behind an impenetrable reflecting visor.
Fear pulsed through Tzalin as the security officer trained a pistol on him. The hostile program unleashed an array of damaging code-based algorithms at him, and in the sculpted virtual reality Tzalin watched in panic as the agents gun went off. Fire ripped from the barrel and the bullet scored a direct hit. The Matrix attack sent Tzalin reeling with something he hadnt felt in years: physical pain. In a heartbeat, fear turned to rage and he glared malignantly at his assailant. As he did, he couldnt help but notice several small points on the IC program that stood out. There were weak interactions between lines of programming, mistakes in variable storage and retrieval, compatibility flaws in the hardware/software feedback, and more. They might as well have been painted red for how obvious they were, and Tzalin didnt take the time to figure out how it was he could recognize such things. The streaming lines of data around him bulged and wavered as his anger built up to the point of boiling over. Then Tzalin directed his fury outward toward his virtual foe. The packet of destructive energy rushed through the financial records, ripping some files to shreds and embedding bugs in others as it went. The IC program failed to avoid being hit and the attack broke through the weak points in its defenses. The program shuddered visibly as it lost processes to data corruption, faults appearing throughout its programming. Tzalin smirked as the security agent dropped to a knee, deep gashes torn through its bulletproof vest. Finally it collapsed to the floor, dead: a useless heap of code.
The experience, satisfying though it was, burned into Tzalins memory, and he raced back to his own room. His mind floated a few inches from his body, his thoughts reaching out to his sleeping form. With all the effort he could muster, he pushed downward, through the sensor pads, through the oxygen mask, through the IV drip. Then he closed his eyes, and when he opened them the next second he was looking back at the cold stainless steel of the medical instruments. Immediately his muscles twitched and he moved to get off the bed, yanking the oxygen mask away from his face and carefully sliding the IV needle out of his arm. The IV tugged at his skin, pale from lack of sunlight, but halfway through its extrication Tz'alin froze. Something caught his attention. It wasnt really a noise or sight, but more of a feeling. It felt wrong, or was about to be. Instinctively, he reached out with his mind and clamped down on a single transmission, cutting it off before he knew what he was doing. He wondered what had led him to react in such a forceful way without provocation. It was like his subconscious was acting without his permission. That thought frightened him.
The transmission floated silently in his mental clutches until he realized it was still there. He carefully pulled back layers of code to examine what he had caught until he reached the message at its center; it was a distress signal sent by his life support equipment. Only his quick action had prevented the entire hospital from knowing he was awake. Tzalin felt dumbfounded by the event, unsure whether to be thankful or disturbed.
Fortunately other things quickly distracted him. The second his feet touched the white tiles of the hospital floor, Tzalin cringed in pain. So cold! The chilled sensation alone was enough to make shockwaves crest over his thoughts and he shuddered uncontrollably. Five years under a blanket had not prepared him for this.
The next diversion came as even more of an unpleasant surprise when Tzalin slid to the edge of the bed and tried to stand up. His attempt to shift his weight off of the bed went just fine, but the part where it should have transferred to his legs did not. The steady supply of nutritional supplements and weekly electronic muscle stimulation sessions could only do so much to ready his body for the sudden shock of movement.
Tzalin just barely stifled a yelp as his knees refused to lock. He collapsed to the floor, which was more than happy to accept him. The drop dazed him momentarily, but before long he was already poking his legs and knees to make sure they were still there. They were.
As he stretched his sleepy limbs, grimacing occasionally from the pain, his mind reached out to the hallway. He found the camera in the hall, and with great care he removed it from the circuit, linking it to himself instead.
With a slow hiss of pain, Tzalin stood and half-walked, half-limped over to the rooms single door. He tried to review what he planned to do in his head, but the reality of his situation caught up with him. His mind drew blank after blank as he realized he had no idea how to escape the hospital once he left the relative safety of his room. A profound sense of hopelessness settled on him. He leaned against the bright wall and cried for the first time in over five years. For some reason, he knew turning himself in to the hospital staff was not an option. He knew he couldnt trust them, even if he didnt know why. But it wasnt fair! How could he be expected to get out of this? His body had grown older and larger, but he still felt like the eleven-year-old he had been five years ago, before the coma.
When Tzalins tears finally ran dry, he opened his eyes to look at his hands. They were still blurry. Slowly his fingers curled into a fist and his eyes burned fierce. He felt ashamed for crying, even if no one was there to see. Tzalin knew he was on his own now; nobody was going to whisper the answers into his ear.
The boy fell silent and suddenly the whispering data humming through the air around him came into focus. Tzalin nodded as he began to realize he wasnt entirely correct. The Matrix was his friend now and, if listened to it, it would give him the answers he needed. A sense of calm fell over him as his mind reached out to it, and it reached back to accept him.
Only the fear of being caught kept Tzalin from breaking into as fast a run as he could manage to reach freedom. The pants he wore kept slipping down and he had to keep a hand in his pocket to hold them up. Tzalin had realized that the hospital garb would have been too suspicious once he got outside, so he had liberated some real clothes from another patient. A teenage boy on the same floor matched Tzalins height of 56, but the fact that Tzalin only weighed 130 pounds meant the borrowed clothes were extremely loose. At least getting the new outfit had been rather easy. Just a simple hack into the boys medicine delivery system to increase the pain medicine he was receiving for his broken arm and the teenager nodded off to sleep. Getting him undressed had been the most difficult part of the operation.
After that it was merely a matter of taking over the camera system of the entire hospital and using it to cover his escape. Aside from double-checking the map he had found in the hospitals public help files, Tzalin kept a virtual eye out for any hospital staff patrolling the halls. The entire floor was fairly busy, but whenever a doctor or security guard drew near Tzalin made sure to turn and pretend to examine the medical education posters and bulletin boards that decorated the well-lit walls. At the same time he sent the camera feeds into a continuous loop as he passed underneath each one to avoid detection. Tzalin carried out the plan without mistake, and he walked through the front doors triumphant.
The world outside was far from welcoming, though. The grim tones of the dim world were a jolt after the harsh white of the hospital, but Tzalin quickly realized this darkness was good. Everyone was focused inward, and it would help him. He had to get away, far away from this place. But where would he go? Where could he stay? What would he eat? He desperately needed answers and he tried to think of a way to get them as he trudged through the streets aimlessly. The constant buzz of data drifting through his mind made it hard to concentrate, but then he remembered that he could use his abilities to help him. His eyes stayed glued to the ground in front of him and while he walked he reached out with his mind to the Matrix.
He didnt get very far. With his attention divided he failed to notice the very large and very grumpy troll plodding right towards him. Tzalin ran right into him and the collision knocked him off his feet. S-sorry! Im- I didnt see
Im so sorry, he stuttered, scooting backwards surreptitiously.
The trolls sinister expression made it clear he was glad to have an excuse to bloody someones face. Youre not sorry yet, he informed Tzalin in a low, ominous voice. He leaned down and a gigantic hand grabbed Tzalins shirt by the neckband. He was quickly lifted to his feet, and then off of them. Tzalins eyes grew wide, his breath coming in short bursts, and he lowered his gaze to avoid the trolls stare. But you will be when Im through with you.
That was all Tzalin needed and even as the troll lifted a threatening fist, the young human wrenched his body with all his might. The shirt tore noisily and a roughly circular patch of fabric stayed in the large hand. As soon as his feet hit the ground he took off running into a back alley. That led to another street, which led to another, until Tzalin spotted an entrance to the underground tunnels behind a warehouse. He scrambled down the stairs and rubble, jumped over the archaic turnstile and bolted through the closing doors of the nearest subway at the last minute possible. The doorman noticed his entrance but only smirked with amusement. What was one more desolate individual on a train transporting hopeless people? Tzalin dropped into the nearest empty seat and curled up, letting the rocking of the train and the movement of his burning lungs lull him into peacefulness. He buried his head between his knees and tried to block out the flood of emotions that threatened to wash him away.
















Comments
As an initial response, the first thing I noticed is that you tell the story as if you are literally sitting in front of the reader and telling them. Very informal, very conversational. This is how I used to tell stories before a roommate who wrote read my stuff and said, "stop telling what happened and TELL it as it HAPPENS."
Out of such things are good writers born. For an idea of how this fellow's commentary affected me, go read [link] and [link]
You can see once you read these that I've done exactly what you've done in THIS piece, but TOLD the story instead of "re-told" the story. If you look carefully between the lines, you'll be able to hear me saying, "first she did this, then she did this, then THIS happened..." - which is what your story says right now! In effect, you can use THIS piece as a format or outline of what your story CAN be.
Hope that makes sense!
I appreciate the example, and I know what you mean. You manage to make past tense action seem like it is presently occurring by the way you phrase it.
This first story is written entirely in this manner. Instead of 'he jumped' it is 'he had jumped'. The rest of my stories aren't and won't be written like that.
Even this prologue gets better though, I can assure you. Part 3 is more action-oriented, and I'll make sure to keep this in mind as I continue to write more.
But... I can't tell you how happy I am to have some advice! Thankyousomuch!
--
"I wouldn't feel so bad about this if we were in first place."
-Me-
There are a couple instances where the phrases you chose took me out of the story: "One fateful day Tzalin and Faliria had snuck off to their favorite hideout, a closed and boarded up Hardware Etc." in particular just seemed to stick in my craw. I think you used it as a catalyst phrase to show the reader that something different and/or important was coming, but (I think) you should let the reader figure it out on their own, rather than use such a loaded (and honestly somewhat hollow) phrase.
Also, his proficiency with his newfound abilities seems to be a bit savant-like. Was he using them for the 5 years he was in a coma? Is it some form of highly-developed instinct? Was it vestigal from his time before the accident? There is a certain... inorganic development here, that I can't quite articulate.
I like the shadowrun universe, and I am interested to see where this goes. (Hopefully my critique is not to harsh.)
--
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
How about you swallow some razor-wire, pull it out your ass, and FLOSS YOURSELF TO DEATH!
My writing: [link]
The telling versus showing topic... I did that purposefully at the time, but I suppose I shouldn't have. I won't do it again, that's for sure.
You are right, 'one fateful day' is corny. I laugh now that I included it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, and your point applies to my writing as a whole so I'll keep it in mind.
As for the reason Tz'alin seems so comfortable with his admittedly complex new powers, I'm not sure how much I want to say. The reason was hinted at in this section and it will be expounded later. But you're definitely right; the sudden growth in his abilities was not at all natural. I wonder how I could enhance the mystery of the occurrence, improve its impact as a point of future plot revelation.
But yes, thank you so much for the feedback and I'll keep in mind what you've said.
--
"I wouldn't feel so bad about this if we were in first place."
-Me-
There's no connectivity between 1 & 2. I don't see how they went from going to see Shiryoku to sitting there waiting for their raid. There's no "backfeed" (as it were) as to how they got there. You might want (before you go into the VR bit in the second piece) to do a "flashback" to speaking with Shiryoku as to what they are doing and why.
All of that would be useful for Part 2. Part 1 seems to stand alone as a good introduction, but I'm thinking there needs to be a bit of exposition before you toss your character into the action that Part 1 seems to set up.
It'd be nice to have an in-story placing of the rough date. Since you note that he was once part of fourth ed and is a Technomancer (I missed that initally; my own fault for only skimming the author notes), it must be post-Crash, but there's no real indication of it as such beyond noting that the Matrix nodes are wireless and he's a little old to be an Otaku. As an aside, that's the weakness of noting that this is in Shadowrun -- while you can build on the established world so you don't need to create the whole thing yourself, you also need to give some indication as to where you are in that world. Now, I've played a combat 'decker post-Crash, so I'm at least reasonably familiar with the Matrix, but I've only got a very vague, passing familiarity Technomancers, so I can't look into that with a lot of detail. I'm going to mix technical and conceptual commentary, so let me apologize if it seems a bit schizophrenic. In addition, I tend to walk through the commentary as I read, so it should mostly follow the story's path.
In the first paragraph, your punctuation falls outside of the quotes on 'eyes,' so you'll want to pull it inside. As you move into Tz'alin's searching the equipment nodes, you might want to vary your word choice. You use took him repeatedly, when it might be more appropriate to mix it up a little. Brought him, sent him, shot him over to, I'm sure you're more clever than any of those suggestions, so feel free to elaborate. Stretch your lingual legs. Otherwise, I like your description of the limited network here. It's precise, down to the air valve at the end of the tube, rather than something more vague. That he's looking at the drivers, the Icons of the devices instead of the actual device is a nice detail, and it's something that would potentially be overlooked.
Fourth paragraph, you should have a comma between When he felt ready and he traced the stream... I'd suggest you expand on worked up the courage. It's evident what you mean, but your impact would be stronger if you explained what he worked up the courage to do. By adding that last bit, you can help the reader understand his personality. He's hesitant, yes, quite naturally so, but precisely /what/ he's working up the courage to do shows us the sort of person he is. Is he out to explore? Is it just to step through? To figure out what's beyond here? To find answers? You've got the ability to show us his mind here. Beautiful description of the when he steps into the Matrix, though. You could spend more time expressing his bewilderment, but you don't need to, it comes across reasonably well. I like your description of his learning to deal with the Matrix. It leaves just the right questions open, as to whether he has a mysterious friend (AI or Technomancer, since a 'decker wouldn't know how to help him) or if he just worked it out. Shifting with opportunities is a nice turn of phrase. I approve heartily.
I'm rather curious what the ICE looked like. It must not have been anything fancy... Maybe a burly orderlie? I'm glad we're actually starting to see his personality now. He's not just doing this out of boredom. Now that he has some bearings, he's exploring his world with gusto. He's inquisitive as well as intelligent. Next paragraph, I think that a comma would be appropriate between ...memory though and and he raced... Not totally certain, but it feels like it needs it. Nice use of the semicolon in the next sentence, though. You should have another comma between the prepositional phrase With all the effort he could muster and he pushed downward... Unlike before, I very much approve of the repetition in this sentence, it links the phrases together well. You might want to add needle after one of the uses of IV in the sentences where he starts to get up. You don't need (or want it) in both cases, but in either one, it makes it clarifies exactly what's happening. I think you need another comma after Instinctively... The next sentence will flow better if you break it apart: Add a comma after surprised him and where you've got the comma-and conjunction later, replace it with a period to make the only his quick action... phrase into a sentence of his own.
What did Tz'alin decide he had to do? He cries for the hopelessness of his situation, that he has no idea where to go or what to do, and suddenly he's struck with clarity? What was the thought that bubbled up through his consciousness to reveal a course of action? This particular paragraph moves very quickly. He goes from the hospital net into the full Matrix, hacks the city planning commission, and grabs the data without worry or care. I know this is just a prologue, but feel free to explore that avenue. That's a minor adventure in and of itself, and you could really heighten the tension of the story if you actually wrote out his search, his delicate maneuvering around the ICE and careful extraction of the schematics, narrowly missing the attention of a bored system administrator and a passing architect filing new records.
*chuckle* I don't think the thought of freedom was the only thing holding Tz'alin back. Atrophied muscles barely able to carry his weight probably didn't help.
It's an interesting start. I'd like to keep an eye out and see where you take it from here. You've got a lot of places you can take the story. I imagine the streets are going to be harsh on a newly-awakened coma victim, and it gives you some good opportunities to get him into Running without making him just some kind of criminal. I think the story's moving in some promising directions, nicely done. I'll cast an eye over part two later this week. Though if you'd rather, I could keep my commentary to myself. *wry grin*
Please... please! Don't keep the commentary to yourself! I'm... speechless. Wow. Don't regret this for an instant! (I haven't used this many exclamation marks in quite a while)
I shall be going through my story and making some changes later today, after classes. I think I finally get what it means to let the story tell itself because of what you said.
Ohh boy... just... can't thank you enough. The amount of time you must have devoted for that kind of feedback is nothing short of flattering. Thank you.
--
"I wouldn't feel so bad about this if we were in first place."
-Me-
Previous Page12Next Page